To stop suicides, we must address bullying

SPECIAL TO THE TIMES OF TRENTON, NEW JERSEY

“BULLIED TO DEATH?” is the headline that graced People Magazine’s cover for the last week of April. Fifteen-year-old Phoebe Prince smiles at us between the sub-headlines “The teenager’s cry for help” and “New details about the accused “mean girls.’” Prosecutors charged six of Phoebe’ s schoolmates with felonies for unrelenting bullying — bullying so awful that Phoebe hanged herself last January.

People Magazine put Phoebe on the cover because news of her suicide and “justice for the accused” sells magazines. Her story sells because we are a voyeuristic society of bystanders. As onlookers, we say “Isn’t this tragic?” and think: “I am so glad this is not my child, that my child is not a bully, nor a victim. (Whew.)”

But the clock is ticking for New Jersey’s kids. And it’s not a question of when it will happen here, but where and how often it will be repeated. More than 160,000 children avoid school each year in the U.S. because they fear being bullied, according to the December 2009 New Jersey Commission on Bullying in Schools report (njbullying.org). Another study indicates that the state’s secondary schools are not safe for many LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) students.

While some New Jersey schools take bullying seriously, all schools need to create systematic, holistic anti-bullying cultures; most do not. New Jersey even has an anti-bullying law, but enforcement is poor.

Emotional destruction from bullying is profound and long-lasting. Its effects include low self-esteem, poor grades, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. As parents and educators, we must realize that bullying is but another layer of stress piled on children already facing challenges at home, some in desperate situations, as well as academic and peer pressure. Childhood suicide is an equal opportunity killer; it does not care about class, race or economic status. It can happen in Teaneck as readily as in Trenton.

Bullying used to be 8 a.m. to 3 p.m., but now it’s 24/7, with cyberbullying working the night shift. Phoebe was viciously taunted round the clock in school, on the internet and with vulgar cell phone threats and texts.

Recently, in Texas, a 13-year-old hanged himself and an 8-year-old jumped out of a two-story school building as a result of bullying. Carl Walker Hoover, another Massachusetts “bullycide,” hanged himself a year ago in April. Carl’s mother testified: “My life changed forever on April 6, 2009. I found my son hanging. He was 11 years old. What we do know is that Carl was being bullied relentlessly at school. And the most important thing I have learned is that bullying is not an inevitable part of growing up. It can be prevented. There isn’t a moment to lose.”

Unfortunately for Carl, a culpable school culture passively observed his torment and tormentors.

It is appalling that, as a society, 70 percent of us are bystanders who never intervene in bully/victim behavior. Adults and teachers look the other way or don’t know what to do. Parents need to play a bigger role in bringing about change in our schools. That means getting involved, advocating for children and supporting the programs that can mean the difference between life and death.

When more parents and teachers become educated, involved and practiced, more bystanders learn what they need to do and can be turned into upstanders — involved helpers/allies. When we invest the time, we can teach more bullies to redirect their aggression into more positives strategies, and more victims can learn how to advocate for themselves and reach out to an adult who will take protective/positive action (or proactive intervention).

Good news from the court systems include a push for a new anti-bullying law in Massachusetts and a New Jersey Supreme Court decision in L.W. vs. Tom’s River School Board requiring school districts to implement “effective preventive and remedial measures” to stop bullying because L.W.’s high school did not create a safe school for him. In a landmark March 2010 decision, a Michigan school district was ordered to pay $800,000 to a student from a school that did not protect him. While we wait for the legal system to catch up, there’s a lot we can do to change the culture now.

Meet with your school administration and find out what your school does, then find others to join you to create an anti-bullying culture. Does your school have recess and lunchroom monitors? In areas where bullying takes place out of the classroom, adults who intervene instead of watching are needed.

In memory of Phoebe, Carl and the others who have gone before them, do something right now. All of our children are at risk unless we help them become upstanders who can advocate for themselves and their friends. Learn more and take action now.

Carl’s mother lost her son; her last statement in her testimony bears repeating: “There isn’t a moment to lose.”

Lynne Azarchi is executive director of Kidsbridge (kidsbridgemuseum.org). Visit bullying.org and cyberbullying.org for more information.